那么这里我走了。I did not want to talk about the things that I did to others as we all know about thing we did to hurt people and we all talk about the things that have happened when things go wrong and it’s not our fault, when all the time we say it’s because of the gambling. Yet I now come to realize that I had the choices and I made the wrong ones at times, well most times. So I would like to talk about how I thought I was feeling and how with the help of GA and family and friends my life changed, from being a un-liked person, to someone people some times look up to for help and advice that I try to gave back to GA. 10/12/99 was the day I realized that something had to change. What that was, I was not sure at that time. But life was not pleasant, I wasn’t bothered if at that time I was alive or dead. What started as a bit of enjoyment had now spiraled out of control. It started twenty eight years before in1981, while I was in the navy. I went to the casino for a bit of fun with the lads and there I was drawn in to the life of deceit, lies and self-indulgence. Unbeknown to me, at the time, I was becoming an inconsiderate, self-absorbed person. When I look back, I thought I was like everyone else but I was not. It took a long time to try and work out who I was or wanted to be. I looked at the way I was in my youth and how I wanted to be like other people like Neal Old who was good at football. My friend David who always seemed to have the best looking girl on his arm. Or even Mike whose family had their own business and had loads of money. If only I could be like them. So I let my ego take over and before you know it, I felt I was like them. Shame it was all in my mind. So I would go gambling to block the fact I felt inadequate. And, the more I gambled the more inadequate I felt and then I started to have a new problem low self-esteem. With that, I felt nobody would understand so I put on a brave face and lived a lie. As while I gambled, no one judged me and they did not know me, just another punter. As when I gambled I was not the loser that others knew I was. My ego would tell me I was better than that. I was doing this to give my family a better life, while all the time never gave them a second thought as I put more and more money in the machine. When all the time I could have given them a better life just by not gambling in the first place. But that was no fun. So, day after day, year after year, I put my wife and family though the mill.
他们说我们把一些东西从脑海中抹去，主要是那些不好的东西。因此，大部分的赌博岁月都被我遗忘了。但我周围的人不会这么想。因为它们承载着我多年的赌博痛苦。当我找到一种方法从赌博中恢复过来时，他们仍然担心，它是什么，甚至什么时候我将回去再赌?虽然这可能是离我最远的事情，但对其他人来说，这是他们最关心的事情。我在GA。第一次来这里，我将会学到什么改变我的生活?但我必须改变。所以我们继续，等等为什么人们脸上都带着微笑? Why is it not full of dossers and dropouts? As I thought it was going to be, as that is the person that I thought I had become – worthless. Maybe there is something here that might work. Well I had tried it on my own many times, and had managed it for a while, or until I got some more money in my pocket. I had been caught out a few times so I got better at hiding it, until I was so good no one thought I had a problem with gambling. Even when I was getting lotto tickets it was ok as I did not have a problem. And at the seaside with the kids, well it’s just a bit of fun. And all that was going through my mind, was to wish that I was at home so I could go to a proper arcade, to play bigger better machines and of course lose bigger and better money. And, I thought I was the cleaver one. So as I listened (at GA), I realized that I was not alone, that there were other people who seemed to know what and who I was? So, listen I did and I heard some things that changed me. They told me not to gamble today and that was all that I had to do, not gamble today. Tomorrow, who knows!? So from that day on, I told myself “today I won’t gamble.” And that helped, so then I listened to more and more. And last time I went, I realized that as I thought of the people I thought I wanted to be like, Dave, Mike, Neal etc. I was missing one person out and that was me. If I was me and only me, then people seemed to like me for who I was, not who I was trying to be. So I became me.
还有些人不喜欢我，但我已经知道，这就是它的方式也不管我做什么，我不能改变这种状况。我不打算去一生试图改变别人，只是自己。这些时间，当事情不走我的路，我做什么，我都尽我所能。我尽量快乐，因为我可以尽可能多地。甚至当我失落的时候，我尽量不表现出来，因为我觉得别人感到沮丧，当他们看到我失望。我试着做我认为正确的事情尽可能地。但最重要的我尽量真实的自己。有我的生活改善？你怎么发现的？由于以下事实，我没有赌博或撒谎或偷窃，或事实的人尊重你，喜欢你你AR谁？ But I think it’s me being truthful. Life has a way of throwing a spanner in the works and trying to make things difficult at times. But, I hope I have the courage to deal with it, as I have throughout the past ten years and hope I can for the next, but today will do for now.